so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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