we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
