this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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