WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I need a beard to bite.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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