you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.