Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Your topless pictures make me question reality
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
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Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.