i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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