so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Randomize
