just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
How's work?
Spinning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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