You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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