Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
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Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
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It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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