I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
