it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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