I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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