Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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