Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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