he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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