it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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