I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
