i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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