Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
