Moan for me like Helen Keller
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
