You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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