I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
