I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
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I am naked and annoyed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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