i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
