Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
