just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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