apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
