i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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