I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
