shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
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