Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
