Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
