Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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