just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
