I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
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