youre lurking in front of me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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