Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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