I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
