Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
