I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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