you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
