the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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