at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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