I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
