i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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