party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
