It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just invented taco cereal.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
