Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
