he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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