pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
