i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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