Already got asked if we're dating
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
