You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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