see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He better not be in your backpack
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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