why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
