quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
