Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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