It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
