I'm gonna have a badass scar
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
