dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
